Actual Text Conversation

The following is an actual text conversation between myself and my friend KermitVonFrog12, aka my only follower.  For  minimal context, I am an insane, jealous, bitter old woman and Kermit is a gregarious, beautiful, YOUNG woman that is universally loved by everyone.  I pretend not to know why EVERYONE loves her, but deep down in the cold bitter black void where a heart should beat, I know why...............and I love her too.............but don't tell her today, I'm too busy being jealous.



Kermit: She followed me on Twitter so now she has my address. I was able to pm her there.

Me: You are famous and loved by all.

Kermit: Shut up.

Me: I will put that on a t-shirt. 
       In honor of you.

Kermit: Staaaaaaaaap!

Me: I followed that stupid git across 7,896 channels for her live fucking show and she didn't so much     as say thanks!  Let alone follow me on Twitter or watch a video.  I am such a loser!  Whaaaaaa!

Ooops, gotta run, my ride just got here.  It's a whaaaaaaambulance!  And weird, it's green.....Wonder what that means?

Kermit: It ain't easy.  Bitch.

Me: Apparently it is for you.......LOL

Kermit: You're keeeeeeeling me.  Tears, I've got tears and snot rolling!  Omg lol

Me: Kleenex just called, they want to sponsor your next video.  And they want to know if you'll be their friend.

Kermit: I can't breathe.  I'm dying.

Me:  Life Alert just called.

Kermit: You might have to blog this.

Me: No one would see it.

Kermit: What, no poise?

Me: Poise is for piss, not shit.

Kermit: Oh God!

Me: Jesus just called.

Kermit: Staaaaaaaaap!

Me: Brakes Plus just called.

Kermit: I'm changing my number.

Me: Jenny just called.  She wants to give you her number.  Got a pen?  867-5309.

Kermit: I've had it...........Officially!

Me: Detox just called.  She wants to fly you to WeHo to do the makeup for her next video with Vicky Vox and Willam.

Kermit: Sorry bout it.

Me: Hasbro just called.  They want to put your picture on the top of the box for Sorry.  And Jenga too.

here we received a picture of Kermit flipping me off............

Me: OPI just called.

here we receive a picture of Kermit's mother, looking at me disapprovingly.......

Me: Your Mom just called.


...............................

Thank goodness Amy still loves me................

DIY mask to detoxify

Howdy friends, wanted to do a quick blog post since I've been off social media for a few days, holed up in my house sick as a dog.  Caught some bug, I'm pretty sure from a woman in front of me at CVS last Tuesday who loudly proclaimed she had pneumonia while coughing all over the place.  Just lovely.  Anyway, thank goodness for Zicam and the flu shot!  One more day of rest (today) and I think I'll be back into the swing of things.

In an effort to feel more human, I decided to try a DIY mask I'd seen on YouTube.  Four days of blowing your nose makes for some pretty dry, chapped skin and I needed something to remind me I'm a girly-girl.  So, here's what I did:

5 tsp warm water
4 aspirin (uncoated)
4 tsp cocoa powder
1 tsp honey

I dissolved the aspirin in the warm water first, then added the cocoa and honey and stirred until I had the consistency I wanted, roughly like thick brownie batter.

I then rinsed my face with warm water to open my pores and applied the mask to my face using a foundation brush.  This stuff smells AMAZING.  If you love chocolate, you will LOVE this mask.  I swear, I think the next time I'm craving chocolate, I'm just going to do one of these masks.  It was that satisfying.... And no, I didn't taste it!  Yuck!

I left the mask on for about 40 minutes.  By then it was dry and starting to flake off a bit and I really didn't want pieces of it falling onto my floor where my dog could get to it.  Cocoa plus dog equals BADDDDDD.   

So, I went upstairs and rinsed the mask off with warm water. 

WARNING:  The main ingredient of this mask if pure cocoa powder.  That is dark brown.  And messy.  When I splashed water onto my face, brown droplets got all over the place!  So, next time I do this mask I will remove it using a wet washcloth first, or I will remove it in the shower.  Just a little tip if you plan on trying this at home.  ;)

After rinsing off the mask, I used a teeny tiny bit of my Meaningful Beauty Skin Softening Cleanser just to make sure there was no residue left.  My face feels lovely, although my cheeks still seem pretty rough and dry.  But considering how brutal being sick has been on my face, it's a lot better than it could be.  And the other areas of my face feel really soft and smooth.  Plus?  Redness?  Totally toned down!  I couldn't get over how NOT RED my face looked!  Here, see for yourself!

So, overall I am extremely pleased with this mask.  I'm glad I have plenty of cocoa, honey, and aspirin to do a million more of these.  This is simple, cheap, and effective and I think it will now be a regular part of my beauty routine.  Thanks again YouTube, you are a wealth of information!

Oh, and Amy was very sad that she didn't get to lick the mask off my face......

Press-on Nails? Oh yeah...............

I ventured out into the wilds of retail today and felt like I stepped through the looking glass into geriatric-landia.  Which was a huge improvement over my homeland yesterday, cat-barf-landia of which I was crowned queen.

So, while out and about, hobbnobbing in the land of misfit nana's and pawpaws, I managed to locate the current objects of my obsession, Impress press-on nails by Broadway.  I am a slave to YouTube the way Britney Spears in a slave to the dance.  Helpless, sweaty, and arguably mentally ill.  But there it is.  And when YouTube tells me something is awesome or great or pretty or OMG ALMOST SOLD OUT AT JUST ABOUT EVERY WALGREENS I'VE BEEN TO well, you know I have to have it.  So it was with these press-on nails. 

I managed to locate the brand at Target and grudgingly took two packages of the standard french tips, then hightailed it to CVS where I located a further selection of these lovely, plastic lady fingers.  I found my holy grail set of black nails, then grabbed a red and another french tip, this time with fancy black and silver scroll work included.  I took my booty home, grinning all the way, and when I got into the house, I might have danced.  In a belly shirt. With a rhinestone in my navel, held there by the sweat of gyrating masses of party-goers and club kids.  Well, it was a really rowdy dance club, in my imagination.

After finishing out my work day (at home), taking the dog for a walk, and sending the boys off to the grocery, I sat down at the kitchen table and applied my first set of press-on nails EVER IN MY LIFETIME.  I know, the horror, the shame.  A child of the 80's, born in the 60's, and never wore a press-on nail.  My name is Kim and I am ashamed.  But today I claim victory.  Plastic lady nails, you are mine at last......

So far, so good.  They went on easily, I followed directions and used the "prep pad" even though it scared me to do so, and have managed to keep my hands out of water for over an hour now.  I will keep you all posted on how these plastic lady fingers wear, if they fall off prematurely, etc.  Hopefully they last at least a few days, since I'd like to be able to keep them for the office on Thursday.  We'll see.  My hopes are highest just before being dashed, and right now the hopes, they are high.  Not as high as that lash lady though.  Egads, I have some scruples.

In other news, do you know what's even better than shopping?  Someone else going shopping and bringing you back sweet surprises!  My boys went to the grocery store and came back with this wonderful, cinnamon scented broom!  I put it in this vase immediately and my entire kitchen and family room smell blissfully spicey!  I love the smell of cinnamon! 

And now I must sashay away, it is Metamucil time and Amy would very much like to go to bed.  She is tired from all the imaginary clubbing we did earlier, her glow sticks have faded, and the glitter in her fur just looks sad now that all the thunderous dance beats are silent.  Good night Britney, good night high lash lady, goodnight nana's and pawpaws everywhere......

Actual Skype Conversation

Tonight, while uploading some video for YouTube, I had the following (one-sided) conversation with my friend Sam on Skype.  She was (obviously) doing something else and not Skyping with me.  To punish her for her insolence, I had a lovely stream of conciousness conversation anyway.  So there.  Take that.



Me:  i'm in upload purgatory.  it's kinda cold in here.  and sterile.  like a weird,  empty waiting room.  i don't like it.
on a brighter note, i like the lighting much better on the new camera setting.
and on another bright now, i remembered to switch the access to "private" so these vids don't go
live before their time.....
before their time........now i want wine.
orson wells.
citizen caine.
rosebud!
sledding!
snow
christmas time
a christmas story
you'll shoot your eye out
secret decoder ring
cereal
captain crunch
crunch berries
now i'm hungry.
whoa, have you seen (name removed to protect the innocent) lashes?  who pays $20 for a pair of lashes?  i think she's high.
which would explain a LOT.
drugs kill dreams
probably why she has no friends.
cuz she's high all the time
who wants to hang out with someone like that?
always high?
eatin cheetos?
gettin that dayglo orange dust on all your stuff?
not me
i have eyeshadow swatches from the base of my thumb all the way to my elbow.
is that weird?
it feels like it's not.
so it probably is.
amy tried to lick them off me earlier.
just had a bottle cap
i'm dissappointed.
it's not cola.
or root beer.
it's like some weird red one
ironic, since red is my favorite flave of most other candy
just not bottle caps

Sam: Omg!!!!!! I wish I could post this thread. Right a book this very instant. !


So, this is as close as I could get to "writing a book this very instant" as commanded by my insolent friend.  Thank you internet, thank you blogspot.

And here is another picture of Amy, since who ends a blog post without a picture of Amy?  Not me.  Maybe that chick that's high.......