So. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Dead. Of what appears to be a heroin overdose. I am sad and confused and a little angry.
He was a year younger than me, extremely talented, successful, even beloved. I don't know him and I don't know his motivations or how he felt about the life he was living. What I know is that he seemed to have every reason not to be a drug addict.
I am a mother and I worry every day that my amazing, intelligent, funny son could someday make a very bad choice. I want to know how to stop it. I want to know what to say, what behavior to model, what choices to make for him now, while I still have the ability to make those choices, that will keep him from making the wrong decision when it comes to drugs.
So, when something like this happens I can't help but wonder:
Addiction is a disease, but taking drugs for the first time is a choice. Why do so many seemingly intelligent people make such bad decisions?
Please, help me make sense of the senseless. Why? Why would you say yes to something like heroin that first time? I understand taking a first drink, I even understand trying pot for the first time, but heroin? I have never NEVER heard a story with a happy ending that started with "Once upon a time, a person took heroin......". Never. I have never heard it described as beautiful, transcendental, mind expanding. It has always been ugly, desperate, and dead.
I am not judging. I am not hating. I am scared. And I am sad. I just want to know why. I think we all want to know why. When your life is utter shit, filled with poverty and abuse and neglect, I understand wanting to escape. When the chemistry of your own brain makes you see horror shows on your bedroom walls and drives you to self-harm, I understand wanting to escape. When your parents or caretakers are addicts, and model that behavior while you're a child, I understand not knowing any other life. When you feel alone and defeated and you have nowhere else to turn, I understand wanting to escape.
But when you are educated, loved, nurtured and supported, when you have resources and security, friends and family, when you have work that you love, a future that is whatever you want it to be, why? When you seem to have nothing to escape from, why? Why would you choose to put a needle full of heroin in your arm? And what can I do to stop you?
